Mid-year crisis?
If you think of the gap year as a lifetime, then I should be having something like a midlife crisis right about now. Today is February 12th, which means that I have been in Israel for more than five full months. Half my year has passed in the blink of the eye. When I blink again, it will be mid-June and I'll be heading home. Can you say mid-year crisis? Mazel Tov, I can't. I committed a full year of my life to study here and it's already half gone. I should be anxious, feeling as though I haven't used my time to its fullest. I should be cramming in all-night learning sessions to make up for lost time and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. There's so much of Israel to see, and I haven't seen it all. There's so much to experience, and I haven't experienced it all. There's so much to do, and I haven't done it all. I heard a Rabbi speak about time being all we have and how wasting it on banality is just that -- a monumental waste. Shouldn't I regret the time I've wasted, the distractions from learning that I have partaken in? Once in a lifetime?
People always asked me why I decided to go to Yeshiva for the year, and before I arrived in Israel I never really had good answers. To learn Jewish texts, well sure, that was an integral part of it, but I guess I could have learned anywhere in the world for the year. So when asked, I kept falling back on the good 'ole "It's a once in a lifetime experience" line. It was great: a taut one-liner that somehow convinced most people that I knew why I wanted to go to Israel. In hindsight, that platitude was only a self-justification, a way to convince myself that I was making the right choice. Once in a lifetime experience--big deal, there are a lot of things that I might only have the chance to do once, but I don't put off college to do them. But off I went, and now here I am, four months in and having a great time. Am I glad I came? No doubt about it. Do I know, in hindsight, what are the "real reasons" to spend the year learning in a yeshiva in Israel? Maybe not 100%, but I think I'm getting there. |
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