She Said: She Said: Relationships as achievements

I'm sort of scared at the moment. Tomorrow is my last official day of high school and my eighteenth birthday was a week or so ago. If I want to buy something and I don't have the cash, I can use my credit card to spend last summer's wage. I'm growing up. I'm learning how to stand on my on own feet and how to fall flat on my face.

I was told, for years, just how "cool" I was. Whether it was my doting grandparents (first-grandkid-syndrome) or my first grade teachers, who were shocked that I knew how to count M&Ms, I was encouraged and helped on my way to "bigger things." I always had someone to ask and someone to guide me. Rules are part of growing up.

It seems that I'm not a child anymore. Soon, I'm not going to have anyone telling me what to do and which choices to make. I will get to choose what to do, and when to do it. I will have to keep in mind where each choice will bring me. I will need to remember what I want to accomplish before I start doing something.

I suppose accomplishment is something I have been doing since birth. I was born red, wet, and hungry. In my first year, I tackled sitting and standing. Then, there was walking, talking, and in time, reading and writing. Baruch HaShem, I can add and subtract, and I pretend that I know calculus. My drawings have gone from heads with four limbs sticking out to recognizable humans. I'm still working on animals.

That's not what matters. It's nice knowing that I can calculate how many frogs there will be in Toad Lake, if those jumpers increase 114% each year, and to be able to read Les Misérables if I feel so inclined (I'm still trying to find a good second hand copy). Yet, it's my people skills I value most.

Over the years, I have gone from shy, to not-so-shy, back to shy again, to so-shy-I-won't-talk, to the person my peers ask for advice. I like to know that others feel comfortable coming to me and that they feel okay talking to me about things that are bothering them. Many people tell me that I am their "best friend." I'm glad people feel that I care for them

It's those life lessons that I feel the most proud to say that I passed. Math is nice, but it can't comfort a friend. History only goes so far in terms of words of consolation. I know that even with all of my studies, all the people I have been personable to count most.

I have a long way to go until I am done growing. I pray that I will grow in important ways, and not just in the ones society thrusts upon me, like math.

- Becca
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People often contemplate their futures. Such thoughts, frequently, include plans for career success. I don't believe, though, that projections ought to be limited to professional aspirations. When I make lists of goals, I also my needs: to improve my relationship with myself, to improve my relationship with other people, and to improve my relationship with Hashem.

Per self-development, I've discovered that encouraging myself, i.e. appreciating my worth, and maybe even taking joy in my imperfections, is a work in progress. Self-loathing is a lack of self- refinement. When solitude feels unbearable, it's a flag that my self growth has become stunted. My best response is to return to gratitudes about my particular combination of qualities. My global aspirations need to include means: to cheer myself on through "developmental opportunities," to enjoy my own company when passing through such opportunities, and to enjoy the passage.

I hope, as well, to continue to choose to take delight in the companions with whom I travel. I win when I am open to their encouragement and when I am open to encouraging them. Such reciprocity empowers intrapersonal and interpersonal reflection, learning, teaching, deriving shared pleasure and sharing derived pleasure. A good life necessitates ongoing work on human exchange.

Bettering my self talk and my other talk, though, is insufficient. I must, additionally, grow in my relationship with The Boss. Through my connection to Him, I can better accept happiness and its opposite. Through my connection with Him, I can also acquire humility, that is, I can come to an increasingly realistic assessment of my strengths and of shortcomings. When I embrace Hashem's way, I come closer to truth.

If I am able to continue to development my relationships to myself, to others, and to my Creator, I will live well. I will be ready to sit with ends that are not my plans and with plans whose ends I never envisioned. There will be few venues that I dare not enter and few venues from which I dare not exit. Bettering one's self, bettering one's connection to others and bettering one’s link to Hashem is a life's work that's worth pursuing. 

- Hannah