No land grab

The fact is that giving up land is a lazy and easy way out. Every other nation on the face of the Earth would fight tooth and nail to keep its borders secure and its territory safe. There is no such thing as painful concessions; they lead to death and destruction. Use history as your lesson. And what applies in the larger scheme of things applies here and now.

My daughter looked down, somewhat despondent, somewhat confused and somewhat lost for words. I, on the other hand, had taught her the most important lesson of all, protect what's rightfully yours and remember that appeasement usually returns to bite you on the arse.

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Fat George

George was a huge monster of a man. Fat was not the word, obese paled into insignificance, mammoth maybe, gargantuan seems most appropriate. We called him  Fat George, because gargantuan George was, for want of a better phrase, to much of a mouthful.

George, how on earth he got that name remains a mystery, was a Bedouin tracker. He could tell whether an Ibex had recently been nibbling on a bush, where it was now and what’s its ID number was. He was very good. He’d been decorated by the army for being so good. But now he was contented to lead tour groups across the country's southern deserts and eat. The nimble and agile George of yesteryear was replaced by the lumbering and wheezing giant tour guide of today. Was he happy, you bet your crown jewels he was.

Why was George so happy? Well he was doing what he wanted to do. Walk about in the open air, meet nice people, eat and get paid for it.

Checkpoint Charlie

The traffic had build up along the 443 towards the Jerusalem. The reason was a second security check. They were looking for somebody. The guards checked each and every car before letting them travel another kilometer to the official check point. In this day and age it is of course a sad reality that these checks are necessary, but you accept them because they could potentially be the difference between life and death.

I say accept them, because that's what we should be doing, unless you are some loud-mouthed American tourist who doesn't realize what the purpose of these checks are.

The traffic had come to standstill. So I did what any self-respecting Israeli does and left my car to go and chat with a group standing by the central reservation. See if we could find out why there was this particular check and what we should do about the 'matzav'.

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The boundaries of reason

I am a great believer of 'if you don't live here, you can't have a say'. I mean I made the ultimate sacrifice, left my land the land of my fathers. This is my home. I don't tell you how to live, what you should be doing, so why should you have a say about me and my home?

My neighbor just looked at me, "I am only saying, if it would be possible to ask your builders not to start making so much noise between 2 and 4pm it would be appreciated."

This is my home. They say an Englishman's home is his castle. So this is my castle. Safe, impenetrable and sometimes, when the heating works, warm.

There is an unwritten rule about my home. If you are not a permanent resident like it the way it is or keep your thoughts to yourself.

The Grapes of Wrath and other hangovers

It was once claimed that there was one pub for every ten Englishmen. Obviously the source of this claim was in the pub at the time. There is actually 1 pub for every 820 UK residents who are legally able to drink.

Pub culture is England.

Every soap opera is focused around a pub. Every village and small town centers its life around the pub. Like the Eskimos have countless names for snow, the English have countless names for the pub depending on its menu and services; local, inn, ale house, boozer, tavern and hostelry. And like snow for Eskimos, pubs are an integral part of UK life, culture and where you live. The pub is forever England and England is forever in the pub as Hillaire Belloc said so succinctly "When you have lost your inns drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England!"

We are a nation of drinkers and not just beer, whisky but wine too, as W C Fields put it "what contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?"

The Carousel of life

Godzilla eyed me suspiciously as I waited by the luggage carousel in Ben Gurion's Terminal 1 arrivals halls. After a few days in Eilat, I was relaxed and contented, but in an instant that changed. The kids were tired, our luggage was bound by the laws of Sod (or Murphy)  to be last and to make matters worse I had Godzilla standing next to me, arms out by her side to make sure no one encroached on her four meter fly zone. She had marked her territory and although you could have parked 3 trolleys next to her, no one dared.

Godzilla, stood, dragon-eyed by the luggage carousel wearing a large green poncho, flared green trousers and a red T-shirt. Oh, and she had a green and red hair band. She was, in the opinion of this beholder, ugly as sin, scary as Freddy Kruger and she frankly unnerved everybody within a very wide radius. I decided that as the hall was packed it would be my duty on behalf of the other Arkia and Israair customers to ask her if she wouldn’t mind moving a few centimeters so I could get closer (on a temporary basis) to grab my luggage.

Of Koalas and men

Fat, lazy and smelly. That's how I would describe him. Gangaroo near Bet Shean is always a good day out (and good drive as well). My kids like the Koalas, but I don't. Maybe I am jealous that they get to sleep 23 hours a day, but I won't let on, instead I tell my kids that they are fat, lazy and smelly. My wife growls at me for being a grumpy old man, little does she know that we all want to be a Koala once in a while (except for the Eucalyptus leaf diet).

My daughter told me once she wants to be an Arab. I warily asked why, knowing that a child's use of logic, however innocent could be very damaging. She told me that whenever we see Arabs they are sitting down, either by the road selling fruit, waiting for lifts, on a break from working on the road or just generally laying about. She thought that was a good life. I explained to her that there were Arab doctors and lawyers and in fact Arabs worked in all walks of life.

That seemed to satisfy her. She wasn't going to be an Arab. On a visit to Gangaroo she concurred with me that apart from the smell a Koala's life was pretty laid back and satisfying so maybe she would be a Koala.

La salle de bains

The English have a long and well-documented love affair with the French. OK not so much love as mutual understanding. Actually, who am I fooling, it's been a disaster.

From the day William the Conqueror waltzed into London and said "I am you're new King and everyone has to eat frogs legs and soufflé", it's been downhill. Especially as most of Northern France was once part of England. Didn't know that, eh? Well read you're history books. Then came Waterloo, Trafalgar and many other battles, but we kicked their behinds every time. In fact the Brits have never lost a significant battle since. They have always bounced back. Today the wars take on different personas; instead of soldiers we have diplomats and French lorry drivers that burn sheep.

La Salle de Bains

He's obviously jealous, who wouldn't be, Britain created the modern world, gave the people TVs, telephones, trains and more.