Majoring in Aliyah: The Swine Flu: A user's guide

Swine-flu mania has struck fear in the hearts of health-conscious humans worldwide. Newspapers are full of warnings and photographs of faces covered by surgical masks. In Israel, four cases have already been found, and flights are still coming in from Mexico.

While the media seems sufficiently nervous, I look around campus and fail to see even one paper mask. Life is continuing as usual - a very scary fact, indeed. Perhaps Israelis think that if they don't eat pork, they're safe, but as Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman pointed out, this is really the Mexican flu, and since there are so many Mexicans in Israel, NO ONE IS SAFE.

In order to relieve the panic, I've written a short guide on how to avoid the Swine Flu in Israel:

STEP ONE:

Don't leave the house. No, seriously, that's the only way to avoid the constant barrage of germs you will face by inhaling non-purified air and touching anything at all. THE END.

If that's too tough for you, here are some handy tips for dealing with everyday situations:

GREETING FRIENDS:

Before the Swine: In Israel, a simple hello will not suffice. Generally, a greeting is immediately followed by a hug and a kiss - or two - on the cheek.

After the Swine: Now is the time to shock, appall, and possibly offend your Israeli friends: just wave hello. You won't be able to kiss anyone, because of your surgical mask, and hopefully that will deter others from trying to orally transfer their germs.

Avoid all physical contact, a la Donald Trump, or simply become so religious that you don't touch people of either gender.

Carry a bottle of disinfectant, in case a friend goes rogue.

Remember the "close talker" from Seinfeld? He is not your friend. Avoid him and his ilk at all costs.

IN COLLEGE:

Before the Swine: The front two rows of the lecture hall are empty, except for one student, who you suspect picks his nose. You and your friends sit in a cluster in the center-back area of the hall. The further back you sit, the more crowded the rows are. You sit as close to your friends as possible, in order to whisper rude jokes more efficiently about the professor's choice of clothing.

After the Swine: You sit in the front row, obviously as far away from the nose-picker as possible. Make sure the seats on either side of you and behind you are empty, so as to ensure that you are out of anyone's breathing range. If the professor sneezes or coughs, take cover under your desk, like in a 1950s air-raid drill.

EATING OUT:

Before the Swine: The person to your right dips his fries in your ketchup, while you pick the cheese out of the person to your left's salad. The person across from you takes a sip of your ice coffee. You are considered prudish if you avoid ABC gum. To most Israelis, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, even if it's half-digested.

After the Swine: Your best bet is to just eat at home. At least there you know what's going on in the kitchen.

If you must visit the neighborhood café, I recommend carrying a mess-kit, in order to avoid using contaminated utensils.

As far as keeping potential swine-flu carrying friends away, take your cues from the kids. Remember in elementary school, when you didn't want anyone to copy your test, and you set up a "fort" out of folders to block your desk? Try asking for a few extra menus.

Don't forget: Sharing is caring...unless you're sharing germs.

PARTIES:

Before the Swine: Parties are fun! Dancing, chatting with friends, and eating miniature versions of regular food, are all enjoyable, normal things to do.

After the Swine: Parties are a deathtrap! Avoid them at all costs. There are too many people you may accidentally graze, too many germs on doorknobs, too many potential viruses floating around in the smoke-filled air.

If you absolutely must go to a party, be sure to take the necessary precautions. Luckily, there is a classic film to instruct you as to how you should behave.

As you probably know by now, there was an outbreak of the Swine flu in 1976, when then-president Gerald Ford urged all US citizens to be immunized. 1976 was also the year that this important cinematic gem was broadcast:

The ultimate solution to avoiding germs, indeed, the best way to save us from the evil swine flu, is to wear a HAZMAT suit. At all times.

Thank you, John Travolta. You are an inspiration to us all.

Stay healthy!